Concerning Katie the Usurper, her Henchman Seth, and my Beautiful Family

Behold: The Usurper, Katie Vance

So. Everyone has been reading Katie's blog, and hearing about her phenomenal experiences in South Korea, fraternizing with Jehovah's witnesses, Koreans, and fellow North American (mis)adventurers. Innocently, you say. Even humorous and well-written. Well, everybody, I'm here to make a startling revelation - despite it's apparently innocuous nature, Katie's blog is actually a particularly vicious electronic attack against yours truly. Read on, my 4 friends, and know the truth. Fortunately, Katie is not the only one who can pose nuanced intellectual warfare over the inter-web.

Unfortunately, for several months, I have not been able to find my blog to write in it. I accidentally deleted my bookmarks, and with them any trace of the location of my beloved "Apartment 1004". But friends, friends, your long wait is over. I have since relocated my highly-intellectual musings and have returned to present Katie with direct competition to her overrated Korean escapades.

It seems to me that Katie is trying to directly challenge my established position of "teacher" within the Vance family. First, for those of you who don't know (among my 4 loyal followers), I recently secured a contract as a teacher for Redeemer Christian High School. Furthermore, I have spent the last year studying to become a teacher at a reputable university called University of Ottawa. Furthermore, I am older than Katie. Surely, of the two of us I am more established as "the" teacher of the Vance family. But the usurper, Katie, has seen fit to overshadow me by not only becoming a teacher AS WELL, but by beginning to teach IMMEDIATELY, and to teach children who DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH. How am I supposed to compete with this? She is obviously trying to ruin me.

The logo of my school.

The logo of Katie's school. Note that they are CONFIDENT of their success. There is nothing innocent about this...

Secondly, Katie has evidently decided to challenge me in my role as "childbearer" for the Vance family. That's right, dear friends. Recently I became a father to an awesome baby boy named Jesse David. He is truly a great kid. However, upon reflecting on the blessings of parenthood, I realized that even here Katie is trying to steal my thunder. I have a baby, true, but Katie has gone and gotten herself DOZENS of babies - KOREAN babies. We're trying to teach our baby how to speak, she is teaching her multitudes of babies how to speak ENGLISH. The parallels are so striking I can't believe I didn't see them at first. Once again, Katie is attacking me subtly through her blog, further incriminating herself as the usurper she is.

My baby.



Katie's babies.

On a deceptively unrelated note, my so-called friend Seth Potter has been relentlessly and subliminally trying to convert me to the quasi religion of reformed theology. On his July 27th, 2009 post, he writes on spiritual matters concerning Israel and the Church. As usual, Seth presents his opinions with zeal and intellectual precision (dangerous tools when in wrong hands!). His post, however, is not as innocent as it seems. Cast your glance to the bottom of his post, to the "Tags" section. Yes, Seth has "tagged" me in his superficially innocuous posting. What does this mean? Some might call this an "innocent mistake" or a "simple joke", but I see purposes far more sinister here. This is a direct hark back to KATIE's own experiences with the Jehovah's Witnesses in S. Korea. Katie, having learned of the dark attraction of abberational religion, decided to apply this lesson to her own life in an effort to ELIMINATE the most direct competition to her own blog - me. It seems obvious now that she recruited Seth for her own cause and persuaded him to begin a campaign of malicious propaganda against me. At best, I suppose, she and Seth believed that I might somehow believe that it was DESTINY for my blog to be overshadowed by Katie's own. A valiant effort, if only I were so naive.

Seth "Calvin" Potter

Having adequately refuted Katie (and Seth's) weak efforts to dispose of me, I'd like to end this post on a positive note. I want to give a shout out to my beautiful new family, which is now composed of my incredibly attractive and patient wife Chrissy, my mighty son Jesse, and my consistently neglected dog, Cooper. The Ottawa chapter of the Vance family is thriving, and looking forward to the coming months.

Isn't Chrissy beautiful???? Jesse was happier in the next picture, but I love this picture of Chrissy.

Until next time,
Combatatively yours,

Dave