Malls.

Today I was given a sacred task: I needed to take the kids to the mall to pick up a new shirt and tie for Jesse, since we are all going to my good friend’s wedding in just over a week. Actually, this task was given to me yesterday, but after an exhausting gauntlet of a trip through Carlingwood Mall with two crying kids, I still hadn’t found anything. The job needed to get done. Today.

Here are the details on the situation. Observe the photograph of Janna, taken just an hour before we departed, and just milliseconds before she slapped the camera out of my hands and made a horrible hissing sound at me. Clearly, she was not in the most chipper of moods! 

Jesse, on the other hand, desperately, DESPERATELY wanted to ride the rocket ship coin ride at Bayshore Shopping Centre, but he was simultaneously terrified to do so (he had never yet worked up the nerve to do it). This complex mental conundrum produced some pretty unpredictable mood swings as he contemplated the possibilities of this second mall. 

Thankfully, he felt more straightforward about the prospect of buying clothes. He felt that they were a present for him (from who? Us? Our friends who are getting married?), and so he was quite pumped about this!

Let me confess right now, I was not one of those parents who looked entirely natural and wholly under control, gracefully leading their flock of children through the busy marketplace with ease. I'm not really sure how to describe my "mall-time temperament" other than to say that it involved pushing the kids pretty quickly in a large, awkward double stroller, occasionally with a panicked expression, occasionally bumping into things, occasionally uttering urgent commands to my children to stop pulling clothing/toys/personal items off shelves, etc. 

Janna was in the front of the stroller and apparently released (temporarily) her angst by flinging both arms out as wide as she could and grabbing (and pulling, and possessing) whatever was in reach as we happened to pass by. Jesse cackled to himself as this happened, and seemed to provide a running commentary for the destruction we sometimes left in our wake, frequently correcting Janna for her behaviour but often appreciating it as well. I actually began to feel older as we walked through the mall!

Here was my plan. We needed to locate a shirt and tie for Jesse. There were four possible stores that could help us: The Bay, Zellers, The Children's Place, and Mexx Kids. There were three levels of the mall to cover. The rides were on the second and third floors, which were to be avoided at all costs, since once Jesse saw them, he would be unwilling/able to continue shopping until he had satiated his unquenchable desire to conquer the coin-driven rocket ship.

I searched the first floor of the mall diligently for any sign of a children's clothing place, weaving through the throngs of people. These people look at me differently, I reflect, when I'm wielding two kids in a stroller. Some people cast me vaguely sympathetic looks. Some people practically leap out of our way, like we've got some kind of horrible disease! And some people smile encouragingly, as if to say, "We've done this too! It's ok! (Calm down!)." Unfortunately, by the time we made it through the first floor, I had found nothing, except for Zellers, which did not have anything Jesse's size.

We went to the elevator (which the kids loved) and ascended to the second floor. I knew this was risky, since there were some coin-driven rides which were sure to remind Jesse of his complex love situation with the rocket ship. We found Mexx Kids, but unfortunately, they had no dress clothes! They recommended The Children's Place, but alas, the damage was done and Jesse had spotted the rides. "Can we go on the rocket ship?" he asked me? "Yeah, definitely, Jesse, but we just need to find your shirt and tie first," I responded. Perplexed, he asked me again. I gave him the same answer in slightly different words. He was quiet for a moment, and then repeated his question with more urgency than before. I sped up my pace. Where were you, Children's Place??????

On the third floor, I suspected. The same floor that housed the coin-operated rocket ship. Once Jesse saw that rocket ship, all would be lost. So, instead of going up, we checked out The Bay. Turns out, The Bay has THREE LEVELS! I looked all over for the clothes before they told me I had to return to the first floor! Meanwhile, Jesse's questions about the rocket ship were increasing in frequency. I was losing time! Quickly, I returned to the first floor, and located the kids dress clothes section (Janna grabbing/taking many articles of clothing as we went by, Jesse asking about the rocketship!). They had a shirt, but no tie! They recommended I try The Children's Place. Where was it, I asked? At the end of the first floor, they replied - I had missed it!

Jesse was shooting questions at me like a machine gun by this point, so I booted it to that store, and lo and behold! they had a shirt and tie for me. I nearly wept!

I'm not sure if I'm still feeling the euphoria of finding the clothes,  but this picture makes me feel a little emotional. See, Jesse has actually been working on his smiles a little bit. I asked him to tone it down from the crazy gremlin grimace, and this is a genuine attempt to do what I asked and give a "real smile." I love this kid!

What a guy! I'm feeling some major waves of fatherly pride here!

Well, that's it, I thought. We're good! It's downhill from here! No, it was not downhill from there. As we stepped off the elevator onto the third floor, I saw something that made my heart grow cold.

THE ROCKET SHIP WAS GONE.

Jesse saw it a moment later, and his eyes grew large and his breathing heavy. I could tell he was still trying to process what was happening, so I made a wild attempt to distract him. "Hey Jesse!" I bellowed madly, "Guess what?? You get to go on TWO rides downstairs! The truck and the car!" "Two rides?" he replied weakly, looking up at me with those big, trusting eyes. I continued to encourage him as I flung us into the elevator for the millionth time that day. When we stepped off at the second floor, his mood was improving. I loaded him and Janna into the truck, took a deep breathe, and stuck in a dollar (a dollar! remember when those things were 25 cents??!). Quickly removed Janna after she began to scream in panic. Stood back, and appreciated what was happening in front of me.


Jesse loved it. As this photo clearly shows, he takes truck driving very seriously.

Another genuine effort to give me a "real smile." Do I detect a note of peace and satisfaction in your smile, Jesse?

However, just when I thought that life was as good as it could be, I realized that while I promised Jesse TWO rides, all I had left was a toonie, and the machines only took loonies! No problem, I thought, I'd just wheel the kids over to Old Navy and ask them to make some change for me. After all, I reasoned, it's for the kids!

No can do, they told me. Our tills only open for purchases, and they had nothing cheap I could buy. So now I needed to find some place that sold cheap things (under $5) so that I could break a twenty, get a loonie, and fulfill Jesse's new hopes of having one more ride.

I looked around the whole second floor and found nothing under $5 until I spotted a Laura Secord giving out $1 chocolates! I bought a couple, stick a piece in each of the kids mouths (this pacified Janna for a while), and returned to the rides, loonie in hand.

Janna, enjoying a piece of "Frosted Mint" gourmet chocolate; she never even looked at before popping it in!

In the end, it was all worth it. Here's Jesse, giving me his "queen wave." Another genuine smile. He didn't mention the rocket ship to me the whole way home.

The end.

...Until next time!